LIFE: Reinvented

Is it possible to reinvent yourself?

I think so. I think that if you want to, you can totally change whatever you want. What ever happened to make you the way you are can be undone. Whether it is your fault, through sin and laziness, fear or shame; or if it stems from someone else's fault, it is within our power to make dramatic changes, if not a complete turn around.

Now doing it is another story! I know that millions of us grow up thinking that our life is going to be something completely different than what it turns out to be. It never turns out to be what we envisioned. Or at least it rarely is. Sometimes it is better.

Well, this post is just about giving some background about me, what has made me who I am. In later posts I will get into the plan of "Reinvention".......

I always thought I would either be a pilot, flying around the world, or a perfomer, travelling around the world, singing on the stages of the world. I always flew in my dreams at night, up until college at least. It was a beautiful thing! I could see the world from above in my dreams and I floated above the world in pure joy!

I discovered singing when I was in junior high. My aunt was an opera singer and I went to see her and her husband in La Cenerentola (Cinderella) I was hooked! The costumes, the voices, the audience! Wow!

But I still wanted to be a pilot. So I began heading toward my dream of flying in junior high. I joined Civil Air Patrol and immersed myself in CAP. In high school, I joined JROTC and auditioned and joined the Varsity Drill Team. I visited the Air Force Academy in Colorado in Junior high and decided I was going to go there! What a beautiful place!

Well, I became the Varsity Precision Drill Team commander my senior year and took my team to first place against the college teams at competition. What a thrill! I loved the precision, the beauty of unity and everybody stepping in time, in perfect accord. Our signature drill team routine was so good that our rival, Bellevue East, stole it, so when I found out, I created a totally new routine, a routine completely different than what had been used for the past several years in competition. Now that was a thrill, for sure. Bringing something from my own imagination to life and teaching it to my team and then winning! And later, winning against the college teams?!

Well, that was one of the highlights of high school, the other was performing on stage. I sang in the elite choir as well as Madrigals, and the show choir, West Connection. I actually acted in a play once too.

I figured I needed to be well-rounded to get into the Air Force Academy. And I was on track, too.

But you know what was the beginning of my downfall? FEAR and SHAME.

I was a very sexy little woman, even as early as junior high. I had the body of Marilyn Monroe. I hated it! My boobs bounced when I walked and all the boys eyes bounced in time. :)

Even in the very beginning of my developement, my figure was the bane of my existance. I took ballet for years and my teacher wanted me to take private lessons with her because of my talent. But as soon as we began to move into jazz, I became increasingly uncomfortable. All the other little girls (6th grade or so) had lithe, slender little girls bodies. But I had curves and budding breasts.

They bounced. I froze. Then I quit. I don't even think I told my mother I quit, I think I told her we didn't have a performance or something or I didn't tell her the right date and we missed it. I felt shame for that for years. Years! I actually quit something!

One summer, I just popped out like a blow up doll. It was the summer my aunt got married. In spring, my body had just the barest beginnings of curves, and then by late summer my breasts were in full swing, so to speak.:) I was horrified!

Later, I refrained from pursuing many things that I wanted to do, like gymnastics and cheerleading, because of these infernal perky breasts! I didn't take gym either. I tried swimming for a while, because I absolutely loved swimming and figured that most of the time I would be in teh water anyway, so what did my breasts matter? But honestly I just had a lot more drag than all of the other girls and I was a dismal last place in every single meet. I quit that, too.

I began to gain weight in high school, wearing baggy clothes to hide my figure. I think subconsciously I hoped that my weight would deter the boys' interest. But honestly I did not think about the weight, I just ate. I was enjoying something at least.

Prom and formal dances were a mixed bag of shame and delight for me. I loved the whole scene, the idea of the thing, the lights, the dress, the music. But I didn't really want to have a date. I didn't want my date to be attracted to me, my breasts. I just wanted to dance! But then, dancing made them bounce, so I danced sedately, elegantly. Or I just sat it out.

I've wanted a breast reduction since I can remember. I was a 34D in high school, quickly growing to a 34DD by beginning of college. I never got the breast reduction. And I just continued to gain weight. I think now it is around 38DDD or 38EE. It spiraled out of control, although even after college I was at an acceptable weight. But by then I was ashamed of the weight I'd gained and the dreams I'd already let slip away.

I got married, looking forward to building a new dream together. He loved me the way I was. I know I am pretty and some people think I am beautiful. But I see my flaws, I see those things that others don't see; the wasted opportunities, the dreams that got put on the back shelf. The coulda, should, wouldas.......

I got caught up in trying to make a life and didn't fully LIVE. Many things have happened over the last few years to further crush my spirit, but that is for a different time.....

I just know that it is time for reinvention. I know who I am inside, and even better, who I can be. With Christ's help, maybe we can unbury her.....